Thoughts of a quinquagenarian

"A reflective memoir on turning 50—exploring gratitude, family bonds, and the lessons of a quinquagenarian’s journey. Honest perceptions after 50, written with warmth and insight."

What better way to begin the thoughts of a quinquagenarian than my own. When I entered the era of the quinquagenarians my thoughts were centered around only celebration, mostly initiated by my children especially my first born who is deeply passionate about celebrating the special days in life and wanted to have a great opulent hullabaloo and, if not then a trip to some extremely beautiful part of the world. Eventually after much discussion we had wonderful small cosy merrymaking with family. Extraordinarily amazing gifts were showered on me, It was special and extremely memorable. The frolics got me thinking about our desires, needs and sometimes, their fulfilment, which is essential to feel happy and satisfied. Getting back to my thoughts at that time, they were about being able to reciprocate the joy. I was engrossed in calculations and budget. As always, I was able to accomplish what I had set my heart on.

Spiritual Journey

The icing on the cake was the opportunity to have a sister trip to Hemkund Sahib ji, it is a revered Sikh shrine located at 15,197 feet by a glacial lake. The way up to the shrine is quite challenging and can be covered either on foot or a horse. Ever since my childhood, I had wished to visit this sacred shrine but never had the good fortune. The dominance of obesity and sensitivity to high altitude in my younger years never let me plan and dare to take the trip.

 Although when it did materialize, I believed it was God’s gift to me on my 50^th birthday. On reaching the Gurudwara after a 13km uphill trek which took us about 5 hours to finish, I felt eternal bliss and wept like a baby. The moment is impossible to describe and no words can do justice to that feeling. With great fortune and blessings of the almighty we experienced clear skies and brief but bright sunshine as well. The thoughts at that moment were only of gratitude, for everything I had. As if nothing else was needed. My immense faith in the omnipresent master was strengthened.

The other reason this was special because it was with my sisters who are my pillars of strength. It was like revisiting our childhood. We were aware of each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and so we stood by each other. My emotions knew no bounds, I felt free and blessed in their company. I did miss my dad though, but he had visited the shrine a few years back and the hike would have been too strenuous for him at his age.

Reflections of life after 50.

The year passed quietly, then I got thinking what it meant to be 50 physically, emotionally, and intellectually. While what remained constant was the thought to keep learning and not giving up. Many would have said its time to hang the boots but that was not me.

Physically I felt great, a few aches and pains as a side effect of menopause but overall fine because, I had been fit and had stayed engaged in multiple fitness regimes my entire life. While growing up we had an environment in the house focused on staying healthy. Our parents were slim and fit reflecting the same on us even though we realized it only in our teens. On the outside I was sturdy and felt good.

Emotionally I was a little shaken up. My thoughts often wandered off to the time when my mother had been critically ill and the six months in which we lost her. Nobody can fathom what life is without a mother, whatever the age, it always affects you in uncertain ways. The emptiness that follows such a loss is never filled, for me too, the vacuum existed then as well as today. Whenever, I tried to recall the good times over the years when she was healthy, but for some reason I could remember only her suffering. 

Yet like it is said and I read somewhere that’ strong women bring up strong daughters’. Our mother was a very strong, selfless, intelligent, beautiful, and charming person. She always said that there is a thin line between adjustment and compromise. Her lesson, which I remember vividly, was to never bow to falsehood. A day must remain a day, and if someone insists you call it night, you should refuse. I tried to imbibe the same in my life and have been quite successful at it. Another part of my mind wanted to hold on to every little memory and outstanding characteristics she possessed.  She was a great cook and believed in perfection. Her notion was that patience is the key to a perfectly cooked dish. Those words echoed in my thoughts. Every time I tried to recreate her dishes. I must admit, I never got close to that perfect taste.

Her passing pushed me into deep introspection and I helplessly hoped she had shared her symptoms with us. She was getting frail and weak, we blamed it on her age and more so since she had a small appetite. I wished I could bring back those years and start over again and this time be cautious enough to get her treated at the right time. The only regret was not having my mother by my side on this milestone birthday.

Intellectually, I never believed I was an intelligent person, but I held the view that hard work and sincerity could help to match up to the intelligent ones. With that belief and determination, I was able to pursue a teaching career for nearly two decades. I took pride in my work and upheld the belief that 'learning never stops.' I learned tremendously through the years, from my students as well as my peers. The best part was the feedbacks I received from my students, a lot of them referred me to others. This word of mouth kept me going. It was a great feeling of accomplishment. Looking back at my life. No regrets there.

 Life at 50 and the thoughts that dominated my psyche were about being grateful for everything, and so, I look forward to what more life has to offer.

This essay is part of my ongoing reflections at Perceptions After 50.